Crying without Tears
From last Saturday, sept. 13, it seems that I wasted my time. Waking up while stretching my arms for a new day, I saw my report card on my desk but I didn’t open it. I have known that I got rank 10, the lowest I achieved in my high schooling career ever. But honestly, I didn’t feel depressed not like the years with a rank higher than 10, I was hoping for the top though, but not now. I can’t feel anything but I was thnking all day about that, that how come I got that rank when my departmental scores are not that low. Maybe just because I’m not reciting. By the way, I don’t recite because hearing the long repeated speeches from my ‘intelligent’ classmates, my mind backs off that maybe it would be weird to them that I’m copying the way they do it with my own speech. And I hate how and why do I do that to let myself down.
I spent my half-day wandering of myself. May be I have no gift for academic philosophy, and the sun is too bright to think. I admit it and I don’t care. My other half-day, I read a book by Leonard Michaels that just refreshed my mind to realize some unrealized things. Again, I learned another lessons but don’t know how to handle it or penetrate it inside.
Realizations: There’s no use trying to give me what I need if what I need is to feel it isn’t given. I contradict myself. I’m failing myself and I don’t know why I act this way. That’s just my attitude. I’m always negative. Instead of striking at others, I ugly up myself in order to exhibit the effects of the other on myself. It affects me deeply about what others say about me and then accept it for self-destruction.
I’m fond of writing some pieces to encourage and to help whoever reads but I myself don’t understand what I’m writing why I can’t encourage and help myself. I can serve other people but I can’t serve my own. I can change other’s lives but I can’t change mine. I don’t believe in what I feel. I think I’m blamed for not being able to do what I want to do. I just watch my own world crash infront of me. That’s who I am.
I have this disease, and I don’t know if I’m gonna survive from it. I’m not seeking for pity. I still want to enjoy my unenjoyable life. Being honest to myself, Im just smart enough to understand that I’m not smart enough. Anyway, I ended thinking of that when I closed my eyes with contentment while the pain melts me.
