My Blog

While reading this, play the song ‘BE STRONG’ by Fefe Dobson as a background music.LOL

I was thinking outside my head when I said ‘I GET IT’. I already understood.

I have understood so many things. I know that I won’t move up by sitting on my knees and telling the world how great I am today and gonna be tomorrow. I don’t want to say how wonderful things will be someday. I’m not looking for guarantees because I don’t need them.What I wanted to do is to go to a place where people who can’t deal with the world go and where I can risk letting the world to break me. Sometimes you have to let yourself free from your own hands to enjoy your unenjoyable life and to save yourself.

I know I will be the best performer in front of an empty crowd. And it’s good for the reason that I won’t feel nervous.I will be famous when nobody dares to know. I will be the best singer when everybody is already deaf. And it’s fine because I have a horrible voice. I will be beautiful when everyone is already blind. I will be the best writer for an idiot reader. At least without the use of nose-bleed words for them not to understand. I will be the only star when the sky is clear. I will be a marine captain without a ship. But I can build my own little boat. I will be the greatest artist when there is no paint. Anyway, I don’t want my brush strokes to be imitated. I want to fly not like a bird but like a hero. Yeah, I will be the greatest hero when nobody needs to be saved. I’m gonna be happy because everyone is already alright and safe. I will be somebody when there is nobody. I know I’m the toughest of the weakest.

That’s how I will be. In a wall, I will be the hole. In a rock, I will be the crack. In the forest, I will be the cave. I need to cope up and be who they wanted me to be rather than bein’ what I wanted to be. I’m already tired  here behind my shadows. I’m tired of pretending to be real. I can be gorgeous, talented and the best just for 3 seconds–just the duration of saying it. But I can’t do anything. I don’t know why I lure in a war I can’t win. I like to crawl into a hole and hide from this disgusting world. Everything I touch turns into ash. I just won’t win. I’m sick of punishing myself before going to sleep. I just have to do things I never wanted to do. I know I’m not a go-with-the-flow type but I need to be. I should act as if I belong.

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring. And I’m not hoping to turn everything that way. I m not hoping for anything or anyone to change, or happiness safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. I want to give myself permission to rest but something bothers me. But I’m not lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place to blame for the things that I have and that I didn’t have. I learned that I don’t know all the answers. It’s not my job to save the world because I know that it’s not all about me. I need to let go. But beyond those sufferings, I still reach inward and open outward.

This is not a paranoic drama.

Credentials on the wall won’t make me a decent human being.

Now, I want to fake a breath of relief!